Did you notice that during the war the circle of your loved ones gradually changed? Altera Psy psychotherapist with 10 years of experience, explains that this is not only due to the fact that many were forced to leave their homes, but also to the fact that we have someone to worry about and lean on.
Sometimes we lose our sense of choice. And if earlier we could be more critical of the sense of our own boundaries, now the lack of resources, shortage of conditions, and stressful conditions sometimes push us into inadequate or abusive relationships.
Abusive relationships are relationships in which one person violates the boundaries of another through physical, sexual, psychological, or financial abuse.
Let’s take a few common options:
• I scream, hit you, because it’s very difficult for me, I can’t stand it, or else you don’t understand.
• You have to stay with me, no matter how bad it is, because otherwise no one will protect you.
• You should make love to me because I care about you.
• You have to live here according to my rules, I don’t care about your needs, because I gave you a place anyway and you should be grateful.
• You can’t leave and leave me, who are you after that?
There can be many such variations.
Why do we agree to this?
We agree because:
we are out of resources and do not have the strength to defend ourselves;
we adapt to the conditions of war and are unable to change anything in the relationship;
we have to lean on something and the usual supports seem less scary to us;
we are scared and immobilized.
What shall I do?
The easiest way to understand that something is wrong is to ask yourself: would we have agreed to what is happening under other circumstances? And remember that we always have a choice and a right to a norm, no matter how difficult it is to get out of an abusive relationship.
And we can get out of them if we answer the question why we stay in this relationship. And when we find an opportunity to get it in another way, we will regain our ability to live a normal life. Take care of yourself and be in a healthy relationship.